why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize
