She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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