Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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