just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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