I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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