i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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