I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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