Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
