You can't motorboat a personality
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
