o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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