So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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