I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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