I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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