are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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