im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
