Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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