did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
