Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I don't deserve a penis
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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