I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
