I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
