Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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