She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
