I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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