I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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