the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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