im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
