i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
