TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
