Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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