everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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