Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
