Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
