you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
