He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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