Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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