im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Everyone says I win the strip club
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
