Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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