i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Randomize
