i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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