I want to walk on stilts...naked
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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