Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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