I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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