just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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