im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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