Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
