I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
