Got a toothbrush?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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