Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
