matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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