i permit you to call me
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
