I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
