Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
