I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Is it penis luge time yet?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Couch. On fire.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
