He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
