Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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