I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize