Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
