WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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