Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
