standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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