i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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