she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You are the jesus of drinking
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
