Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
