You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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